Archie the Royal Hot Water Bottle Page 5

  Chapter 5

  Archie and Terri, oblivious to all the fuss, were in Scotland with Crystal, who was saying to Jessie, her maid,

  'No, I don't want a bloody hot water bottle.'

  Then the lights went off.  

  'What is going on?' Crystal asked Jessie, 'Where are the lights?'

  'I don't know miss, I'll get some candles.'

  Jessie groped her way to the bedroom door, kicking a chair on the way and letting out a yelp. The door opened; Crystal could hear footsteps as Jessie went away. She was left alone in her large bed in complete darkness; no light came in from the corridor.

  It became increasingly cold as the heat from Crystal's electric blanket dissipated and Jessie didn't return. She also began to feel a little afraid. She hadn't been left in the dark before. At home at the Palace blackouts were unheard of and even here in Scotland she hadn't been subjected to the inconvenience of a lack of power. What about her Mac, it wouldn't recharge, or her Kindle. What about her iPod? They were all plugged in at the desk but no lights glowed.

  The afternoon had been dark when they arrived with snow predicted.  No-one else was staying in the castle, which she a bit found strange as she had been told she was to go out on engagements with her aunt and uncle, but the family often came and went at odd hours, so she'd gone straight to her room, had a bath and dinner in bed.

  Now it was deep night and the interior of the castle, which was never well heated, had taken on a chill. When Jessie, came to collect the dinner tray the lights had gone out and the forage for candles had begun.

  'Is anyone out there?' she shouted in the direction of the bedroom door, unwilling to get out of the warm bed.

  Silence reigned.

  'I don't suppose she wants to talk to us,' Archie said.

  'No,' said Terri, 'Way beneath her dignity, I'm sure.'

  Archie and Terri were on the lamp table beside Crystal's bed, next to her iPhone which sprang to life, casting a blue glow and began to play Rebecca Black's Friday. Archie and Terri put their fingers in their ears but the whining, techno sound still penetrated.

  'Please God, answer the phone,' was Archie's plea. Crystal groped at the table, knocked over the lamp and grabbed the phone. The noise stopped,

  'Yeah,' she said and then with a rustle of pillows and blankets as though she'd stood up in bed,

  'Oh, grandmother, good evening.' Archie and Terri could sense Crystal's deep concentration as she listened intently to what her grandmother was saying. When the call ended she said,

  'Goodnight grandmother,' and after a short interval, 'I am so not doing that.'

  Jessie came in carrying lit candles and a steaming kettle.

  'There miss, some light. Apparently the snow has been quite heavy and brought down the powerlines in the valley. We expect it will be fixed by morning. I've brought some hot water. Would you like me to fill your new hot water bottle now?' A small smile lightened the maid's face, 'So comforting on a cold night.'

  Crystal gave out a humph as Jessie picked up Archie and Terri and took them to the bathroom. Their life of service began.

  Jessie stood Archie up, undid his gleaming stopper and began to fill him gently with hot, steaming water from the kettle. It was an extremely pleasurable experience but tickled. Archie gave out a giggle which set Terri off. The filling continued until Archie was half full and tears of laughter were streaming down his cheeks. Terri was holding her sides,

  'I had no idea it would feel so good,' said Archie.

  The maid put his stopper back in and screwed it up.

  'There, you are a nice hot water bottle and that cover...the old lady does have an eye for colour.'

  Archie and Terri were delighted as she carried them to Crystal's bed and lifted the covers, placing them delicately on the smooth sheets.

  'There miss, put your feet on that. I've turned off the electric blanket.'

  Crystal felt around with her feet and found them where they lay, casting a gentle warmth and removing the chill.

  'It helps,' she said, 'God I hope the power comes on soon.'

  'Good night miss.'

  Hot water bottle and cover settled down to their first night of duty in a bed. It would have been wonderful, if only Crystal didn't snore.

  The news of Jade's arrest and subsequent remand in custody pending a bail hearing was received in various ways. The reactions also varied.

  In her sitting room Her Majesty was briefed in private by the head of the Royal Protection Branch.

  'Ma'am, the girl was carrying a traffickable quantity of marihuana. There was a second bag, found inside her jacket, about half a pound in all. The quantity moves the matter into the serious category. She is, I'm afraid, in very serious danger of a prison term.'

  'I see. I assume there is nothing we can do to... assist?'

  The head of security was an old hand. He'd seen many royal scandals and handled everything to do with staff misbehaviour for a number of years. There were degrees of misbehaviour and degrees of help that could be offered.

  In his view Jade was a lost cause. She should never have been in the Palace, let alone been employed so close to the Queen. Being charged with possession of such a quantity of drugs made her, in the eyes of the law, a drug dealer. To be involved in that was regal suicide. The issue of her dealings with the granddaughter was a time bomb he hoped to diffuse. As a result he chose his words with care,

  'The Palace is assisting. Your solicitors have seen to it that she saw a Legal Aid solicitor before giving an interview so she was properly advised as to her rights. The Master of the Household has provided the solicitors with a letter as to the girl's period of employment here and the very great opportunity she had to rehabilitate herself. Your own role in offering such employment to a number of persons, some of whom have gone on to improve themselves, has been included. There is no more we can do. The law must take its course.'

  Her Majesty stood up and said,

  'Thank you for your help. I will tell my granddaughter that Jade will not be accompanying her on her gap year, unless you wish to speak to her yourself?'

  'No need for that Ma'am, I'm sure your granddaughter would rather hear it from you.'

  They shook hands. The interview was over.

  Her Majesty regretted the girl had been arrested and did not relish the conversation with Crystal. As for Constance's plan, how could they have foreseen the girl's behaviour?

  Upstairs in her workroom Constance read that morning's edition of a particularly lurid tabloid. The story was in large type on page one with a photograph of Jade standing behind her Majesty at a Palace reception. She was only grateful there had been no-one on the street with a mobile phone to take pictures.

  'Well, they're certainly selling some newspapers with this one,' she thought. 'I certainly didn't want the girl to be arrested. All I wanted was her to choose to stay here and be romanced by young Davis rather than go with Crystal. He would have seen to that, if he'd had the chance. Very bad luck her being arrested before he could redeem the situation. Very bad luck indeed.'

  Jeff, on a train to Scotland with another protection officer could only say,

  'That's a lot of hash. She must have had quite a little business going.'

  Crystal read it all online, power having been restored, her notebook charged and internet access restored.

  'That is so uncool. Stupid bitch getting caught with the stuff. Uncool.'

  Two days later Archie and Terri were resting in Crystal's bathroom after another night of duty in her bed. Although power had been restored the maid put them into the bed each night and Crystal hadn't objected. They noticed though that during the night she was restless and woke a number of times. When she did she flopped about trying to get back to sleep.

  Archie and Terri discussed her sleep habits, which made their lives quite uncomfortable, lots of foot flopping and kicks as well as her smoking a joint before she went to sleep,

  'She seems to go off quickly after she smokes i
t but a couple of hours later she's awake and tossing and turning.'

  'Like a drunk,' said Terri, 'She passes out and then the effects wear off.'

  'It's not good,' said Archie.

  Their conversation was interrupted by the maid they now knew as Jessie and a man, a young man in a cream turtle neck sweater and leather jacket, coming into the bedroom.

  'This is Miss Crystal's room Constable. What are you looking for?'

  'Drugs,' Jeff said, taking in the room's layout and furnishings.

  The maid was taken aback,

  'No...'

  'Surely you can smell it...that sweet smell that wasn't here before she arrived?'

  The maid, who knew absolutely nothing about drug use, sniffed,

  'There is a smell, I assumed it was some strange perfume or incense she was using.'

  'It smells like burnt sage, you've smelled that in the kitchen haven't you?'

  The maid, now shocked said,

  'Well I never, these young people today.'

  Jeff was amused but matter of fact,

  'She'll have a supply which we will remove for her own good. You're looking for a small click seal plastic bag with green stuff in it. Can you check her bathroom, sponge bag, things like that?'

  The maid went into the bathroom while Jeff used his considerable skills to search the room. He'd done this many times before. Crystal would flush her butts and ash down the toilet, that was standard. The cigarette papers she used to roll the joints would be either in a bedside drawer looking innocuous, as left by some former guest perhaps, or with the stuff. Jeff opened all the beside drawers,

  'Not there,' he said to himself,  'So she's a bit careful. Clever girl.'

  He could hear the maid opening cupboards and drawers before she came back in and said,

  'I can't see anything.'

  Jeff had checked under the desk for a bag stuck to its underside and then into the depths of a deep chinoiserie jar on a small side table,

  'That's fine, it's in here.' He put his hand into the jar and pulled out some crumpled paper.  Inside was a small green plastic bag and a packet of cigarette papers.

  'Not very original but you wouldn't be likely to look in there would you?'

  'No sir, not until spring cleaning at least.'

  'Thanks for the help. Please don't say anything to anyone about this. You can't discuss this downstairs or at home. Is that clear?'

  He looked very serious despite his youth. The maid nodded,

  'Yes sir. Can I go now?'

  'Yes, thanks again.'

  Jeff went back to the security detail's office and placed a call to his superior,

  'Yeah I have it, only one bag. She had enough for a couple of days.' He listened as he was instructed to burn the bag and on Crystal's activities for the next few days. The final laughing instruction was,

  'Wear your long johns.'

  'Very amusing,' Jeff said as he hung up the phone, 'A five day trek in the Highlands at this time of year. She must be so looking forward to that.' A fire was burning in the office grate. He threw the bag in and watched the flames consume it. 'She won't be happy when she finds it gone.'

  Crystal was talking to a friend on speakerphone as she threw things into a backpack,

  'Trekking and camping with a bunch of kids.' Laughing was the response. 'Shut up Annabel, it's going to be absolutely bloody.'

  'I wonder if we're going along.' Terri asked Archie. 'No doubt,' he said. 'It's said to be very cold in a tent.'

  'Oh Archie, you will cuddle me won't you?'

  Archie grinned, 'All the time.'

  Crystal finished her call and decided she needed a little relaxation. She put her hand into the blue and white jar and swore as it came out empty,

  'What the fuck...?'

  Archie and Terri looked at each other with wide eyes as Crystal continued to swear, all the while looking in the chinoiserie vase, behind it, under the table, on the floor, under the bed and in her luggage, to no avail.

  'It's gone. Shit,' she said, imagining the worst, 'Someone's found it and told grandmother. Oh no, that's the last thing I need,' she thought.

  'Look, Archie, poor thing, she's starting to cry,' said Terri.

  Crystal wasn't crying tears of remorse, they were tears of rage and frustration.

  'If she stops me going on my gap year I'll run away,' she shouted to no-one in particular. Her face was red with anger as she waved her fists in the air. It wasn't a pretty sight, a young pretty girl's face contorted with screams. The noise continued as Archie and Terri watched from the bathroom.

  Crystal's room was full of objects that, like Archie and Terri, heard and saw everything. Whether they chose to speak to one another was something else. It was painfully obvious that nothing had spoken to them since they arrived and they hoped it wasn't because they'd offended anyone. As Crystal continued to shout and swear the bathroom mirror seemed to jump and said,

  'I so hate it when she does that; it scares me to death.'

  Archie and Terri, lying on a marble bench under the mirror, were taken aback. It occurred to both of them that perhaps they'd been a little indiscreet when they were alone, that is without the human beings of the house. With some embarrassment Archie said,

  'Hello.'

  The mirror looked down at them with sore, red eyes,

  'Hello. Did you hear that? She is so inconsiderate.'

  'Does she do it often?' asked Terri.

  'Unfortunately yes: whenever she doesn't get her own way.  She's been in this room since she was little and there have been more than enough screaming sessions to last me another century. You two are new, aren't you? You weren't here last time.'

  'No,' said Archie, 'her grandmother bought us for her before she came away.'

  'Oh, well...' said the mirror without further explanation. It closed its eyes again.

  'Excuse me,' said Archie.

  The mirror dragged its eyes open with great difficulty,

  'Yes?'

  'Sorry to bother you but...well, nothing in this room or the bedroom seems to speak.'

  The mirror looked impatient, 'Of course not, we don't want to embarrass her; she's entitled to some privacy. We don't look and we don't hear, unless she shouts. Then we try to ignore her.'

  'So you didn't see the young policeman earlier?'

  'Oh yes, we saw him, good looking young fellow and efficient. It took him no time at all. So glad he found it, the smoke was irritating my eyes. It'll take days for them to clear up.' It looked at Archie with now streaming eyes and before he could say anything else closed them tightly.

  Crystal calmed down enough to answer her phone which was screeching Rebecca Black again.

  'Hello....Yes grandmother....Yes, I'm packing now...no, I won't forget my woollen underwear it's freezing outside....bracing? Rather more than bracing ....Yes grandmother....No grandmother....Grandmother, can I ask?....Do I really have to do this?....Of course I understand that it's important to contribute but....What about my gap year?'

  Crystal listened for some time without speaking. When the call ended the shouting started again,

  'Oh fucking hell! Shit, bugger, bugger!'

  Crystal had just had the news that as a result of Jade's fall from grace there were to be some changes to her gap year. Minor but important.

  'Minor?' she screamed. 'Bloody Jade, bloody, bloody stupid bitch for getting caught...'

  There was a knock at the door and Jessie came in,

  'Excuse me miss, but the young policeman is ready with the car downstairs, you're to leave in ten minutes.'

  Crystal looked at her as though she could turn her to stone.

  'What? Isn't Thompson coming?

  'No Miss, it's Constable Davis.'

  'God, I know, the new one. Bald and fat I suppose?'

  'No Miss, he's...well as I said Miss he's young and, if I were ten years younger...'

  Crystal was surprised at this news,

  'All right, I'm coming but you'll
have to finish the packing...I've been busy...on the phone.'

  She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  The mirror looked out with bleary eyes and said, 'Thank God, we'll have some peace.' It quickly closed them again as the maid came into the bathroom and picked up Crystal's sponge bag and then looked at Archie and Terri,

  'She'll need you for the next few days, the snow is supposed to get worse. I do hope they have good tents.'

  So did Archie and Terri who found themselves stacked into Crystal's backpack with woollen socks, jumpers, thermal underwear, spare hiking boots, a sleeping bag and chocolate, lots of chocolate. Crystal's maid knew her job and her mistress. Stressed, happy or anywhere in between, Crystal loved chocolate.